This entry is mainly as self therapy so to speak. To write down my thoughts and the big changes I have been going through to so I can understand and better organise these thoughts. Alternatively, its a snapshot of me, right now, my opinions, my thoughts and what irks me.

It is also a exercise in making a concerted effort to improve my writing skills. Something that was waned mostly out of laziness and confounded by consistent use of online chat methods.

If you are actually going to read this, you may get to some points that make you think ‘well duh’ but this is something else I have learnt; Some things that seem obvious to you, millions of people will think a million different things. Assumption of what people are thinking is a tricky business—more on that later.

The last few months have been a MAJOR change for me mentally. Changing my ways of thinking, disposing of things I have been taught and trying to more deeply understand things I have often just skimmed.

Religion was a big one. Grown up in a mostly non practising Christian family where this religion is what is believed but not a major part of life, or at the least, one that we actually take time out to study.

I was always sceptical of religion, never really taking on its values in a major way or shunning them. I do remember one time though when I was in early high school at the dinner table stating ‘God’ or ‘Jesus’ (don’t remember which) didn’t exist to my dad who in turn went a bit red and quite angry stating “not to say something like that”. This was never mentioned after that.

I learned something more recently from my girlfriend which makes me understand my dad reaction. Hearing me state opposing thoughts to what she was taught at the Catholic schools she attended makes her cringe. Blasphemy I guess is what they call it.

Up until the last few months, I have still had residual beliefs that now I realise are pointless to what I really believe and now. It seems silly only now that I had hung onto these thoughts for so long. The reason is I had never really made an effort or been told much information to the contrary. What do I believe in now? 1 world, 1 people and Love.
Religion annoys me and so does patriotism.

My big problem has been motivation. This has been a ever present problem for me. References to day dreaming are on my kindergarten report cards. In high school I realised this is due to my over perfectionistic personality. In the last 2 years i have become annoyed and stagnated by this; letting it overcome me and destroy most of my creative urges and succumbing to the allure of instant gratification.

Things I fall back to are those easily attainable for me without much strain of thought. ‘The latest new audio program’ ‘that cool web site with lots of cool old games on it’ ‘tweaking my operating system constantly so it’s just right’ All these things lull me into a mode of obsessiveness where I HAVE to do these things.

I haven’t put enough time into really creating anything of value or at least, not any sustained volume of creative works. Any high in my mood and motivation quickly waned and was killed again by my intrinsic need to succeed instantly at creative things that I do.

I have built up unrealistic ideals for myself. If i try to design something or create some music but its not turning out as good as I want it to or as quick as would like, I give up and go and fiddle with some new chat client for example.

These are exact examples of that has been happeningto me these last two years but this pattern has been the same since I can remember, just different things I was avoiding. eg, maths homework and the fiddling was with my tip-ex/white out and pens instead.

Politics is something else I have never given much of a thought to. Up until now, I have just heard bits of this and that from the TV and anyone who is vocal about their opinions. But having now turned to the internet for alternative news and talking to people about it more, I realise the reality is quite different from the warped and one sided main stream news fed to most people.

Things are not as clear cut as I thought. It’s not just ‘the other guys’ who are corupt and so on.
To me, this is more confusing than religion at the moment so I will leave politics at that.

Where to now? what are my current hang-ups and problems?

The last 2 years have been pretty bad for me. The health problems that got me down and into a rut in the end became an excuse to float in the numbed existence I had become accustomed to. As a friend put it, “you are addicted to no stress”. He was right. I have become irritable and things that slightly don’t fit with what I want annoy me more than they really should. At home I was only my ‘chilled out’ self if things where non confronting. This is something I still now have to work on to remedy.

Finally back to the topic of assumption that I eluded to in the intro; something I just feel compelled to talk about. I try not to assume anything and this leads to some irritated people that I talk to, especially online. Malformed or incomplete sentences are rampant in online chat and something I too, am very guilty of. Problem is, I ask for confirmation on what they meant. 98% of the time it is fine; they realise they didn’t word what they said correctly or just one of those things that needs a different explanation to make sense to different people. But the occasional person gets pissed off that I do no understand what they meant, leading to sometimes heated discussions of the semantics of the written word. Actually, the people that do end up getting annoyed also end up resorting to aggressive name calling. This is something that quite interests me as to why this happens and I am pretty certain is not the fault of mine; I come to this conclusion mainly due to the fact it only happens with 2-3 out of many people that I talk to. I have not figured out what is the cause on their behalf but I feel it may have something to do with arrogance.

This entry is something I hope will be another aid in pulling me from this 2 year rut and help me be a better person! If you got the the end, maybe you picked up something good?

Has it seemed overly negative? To me, No!... these changes and the fact I am actually really thinking about some of these things is something filling me with happy vibes right now.